The Wonderful Cross, indeed

Man o man! what is up with this season of my life JESUS??

so lately (meaning past couple of months or so) God has just been crushing me with a greater sense of my fallen-ness, in the "I CANT DO ANYTHING (on my own)" sense and not just mine but like the fallen-ness of humanity. Just the brokenness and weight of sin, not just the "sad" part about it but like the wow, it's so deep and it's so far from God's perfection, His Holiness. And the more I realize how steeped we are in sin, I also realize dang what a crazy thing the cross is and what it did. What a crazy God to DO that! Makes you like shake your head, or wanna fall on your face! HAHAA.

And just today, I realized another crazy thing about the cross that we call marvelous. [But whenever I would sing those songs about the cross it didnt really seem that wonderful to me. I mean yes sorta, but now it's even more amazingly so]

So, if you know me. I usually like to listen to other people's burdens. Like i know some people dont like to share their struggles because they dont want to burden others, but I actually dont mind. But then, just lately, I've found that wow some burdens I really cant carry because they truly feel burdensome to me. {These are usually only the ones that I'm somehow involved in and are the ongoing, seemingly unresolvable conflicts} Not that I dont want to hear them though. But it just made me realize something...

That the brokenness of sin is something really heavy.

And makes me think back to the cross. We sing

You took my sin upon Your shoulders

or Love that takes the weight of the world

Almost makes me want to cuss is how crazy that is. AHAHAHA jk MY GOD Forgive us when we sing "worship" so meaninglessly. Forgive us that we're either too ignorant, selfish, jaded, or stupid (sinful) to understand the cross. Have mercy Father!

Open up our hearts that we would know you

Simple Obedience

it's what I long for

Quotes

I have for a long time wanted to start a collection of quotes (inspired from 'A Walk to Remember..LOL) HAHA.. but I really have and in my mind I have been collecting.. from the bible, from peoples wall of quotes on facebook, from random things I read.

Just because they can have all sorts of effects on people. Some are just silly, others sweet, and others super profound. Maye even life-changing. So the below quotes have had one of these effects on me and who knows what kind of effect they will have on you?

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." -Hebrews 4:12

"Always be kinder than necessary, because every person you meet is struggling through some kind of battle."

"Dont let the fear of striking out prevent you from playing the game." -This and the one above first seen on Calvin Feng's fb

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek the Lord to find her." -first seen on katie's fb i think..

"There's not much you can be sure of in this world, but one thing's for sure: Forrest Gump would have done anything for Jenny." -Yong's most recent blog post

"Sometimes people can get so "heavenly-minded" that they're no earthly good" -Pamela Jourden

"It's better to love than to be right" -Pamela Jourden


"Wanting to be understood is so overrated, what about being right?!" -p. sam (cch) HAHA

"Change is not a requirement for God's love, but a response to to it" -old school p. sam



p.s this is still a work in progress, eventually going to be written down and just maybe...passed on to my lover who will then give it to my child after I'm dead. HAHA jk. But yes these were the only ones i could think of off the top of my head, so I might have paraphrased. If you know the real wording, feel free to correct. Or if you have a bomb quote, do share and i will add it to the book =]

LA DEE DAA~

I am at the library...taking a break from studying. Everyone at the table is taking their turns losing steam and then falling asleep in their chair and then back to concentrate mode again. HAHA it is my turn to waste 5-10 min or so =] But since I aint got no twitter to write about my useless moment-to-moments. I will turn to my beloved blog <3

I have been meaning to write more. I ALMOST wrote this crazy emotional blog yesterday. But RIGHT as I was about to hit 'publish' I was like "Waait...am i gonna regret this one?" So i just saved it and didnt put it on here. Yes I think it was the right move. Haha these days I am really trying to be sober-minded. Cus being emo/emotional/filled with emotion (not good ones) can usually lead to some poor, unncessary, regrettable judgement aaand decisions.

Indeed.


Oright. Back to studying I go! KABLAAM!

Burning

"God be the solution" -Hillsong

Lately, as in the past few years, but especially this year I've been learning just HOW hurtful and poisonous gossip is. This past Sunday I was in class with my 7th-8th graders and we were talking about gossip.

Often we think "but it's just venting" or "im not the one who said it/started the rumor/lied, I'm just saying what i heard" or "is it a sin if I thought it was the truth but it turned out that it wasnt"

Yea. It's all sin. HAHA. I call it "poisoning each other's minds." If you hadn't already noticed, our minds are quite impressionable. And honestly, hearing things (good/bad) about someone changes the way we view that person --> how we treat that person. O yes, the way you feel about someone WILL show and others WILL notice and others WILL be affected.

Ah, but the best one, the sneakiest (Satan's favorite kinds)

"it's just my opinion, I can have an opinion." HAH.

Yes of course opinions are allowed. But I'ma just go out on a limb and say that if we're truly seeking to be Christlike and actually LIVE out what the bible says, not just preach it to people while having no integrity, then we ought to strive for a higher standard. Haha what's one of the fruits of the Spirit? Self control. Control your crazy and reckless desire to spew out your opinions. Yea it's freaking hard, but it's the better thing. I am learning it too.

Ok. Haha I am praying and asking for discernment LORD! Please, tell me if confrontation is necessary. Because oowee I have had my share of BAD ones when they weren't guided by your Spirit. Help me listen patiently for your wisdom, and as I wait please give me peace in my heart, cus I'm burning.

Thoughts

1. Retreat...
My first adult retreat. Meaning my first retreat with all of CCH, including all the EM folk including their families. It was something special that's for sure. Very much not what i expected. A lot happened and I learned a lot. Twas a very personal experience. I would share but it's quite long and I have to provide the background story for it to be significant.
But I will give the outline version

• CCH seems to be redefining what it means to be a community centered on Christ
• had a conversation with a brother who in one sitting encouraged me, reconciled alota stuff for me that I doubt he realizes, humbled me, and challenged me. Dang. Crazy for sure...HAHA
• Made me think about Esther and Mordecai.
• Getting ready to love hard, when it's hard. "You just gotta humble yourself"
  

2. Africa...
It's just always in the back of my mind. Planning on leaving in early January for midterm (6 months) in Zimbabwe. I should start asking for prayer now. I feel like God is preparing me...BUT I'll probably still get wrecked. So yes, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!

LOL

so a few entries ago i shared about how my mom recently learned how to use internet. And since then she has been emailing me, eumi, and my brother daily devotionals. She just copies the bible verse from The Daily Bread (which we've gotten since before I was born. It's seriously one of the constants in my life) But tonight's email was great. I will share. p.s My mom calls reading the Daily Bread devotionals "eating the foods"

Hi chidrens,how are you? now I feel much ,look like back to normal, I just came back from beautiful 70' year birthday party,one of church member It was outdoor ganden party music was so good ! piano violin chello , lots of flowers nice decoration,best things I like worship part It was well design you know who was , He was vitamin lady's husband. anyway it was good time. by the way ,your father getting s/s benefit from now on he recieving $1060 q.month,he is very happy,Let's eat foods Distottion Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.[1 Corinthins2;5] this mortal life is far too brief,eternity too vast, to follow human sophistries and lose the soul at last good night ...... please pray for eurri's exam.10-29-09 ok. hehe one more.... Hi eugene eurri eumi How is everything , now days life is very tough mommy has very difficult time I do not know what to do but I trust my Lord whatever He lead me, I will follow with full of thanks , Pray for me so Iwill not lose my control, anyway,let's eat food otherwise we will die, "Are you distracted ? " Martha was distracted with much serving.[Luke 10;40] If you are too busy for God, you are too busy. Help me not to busy that I fail to devote time each day to prayer and reading Your Word

Today...

what the.. why is there a slice of cake on my blog dashboard? Anyone else notice that ?


Today I got owned in youth group. I dont know why but it seems that all the teachers just had a super hard time tonight at bible study. It was one of those "wow what am i doing here, someone else can do such a better job" wanting to quit kinda moments. ALMOST wanted to cry because I felt so discouraged. But thank Holy Spirit for saving me. And reminding me that God is pleased with faithfulness, not success.

Today I was humbly reminded that I am straight up worthless as a teacher. Dang. I am in such need of Holy Spirit to work in and through me. But I am really thankful. These "Wow, I suck" moments bring us to our knees in prayer.

In other news...

Tis the season to be _____.

Is it just me? Or do people get real emo during holiday season? Something about the cold? Haha you know what I think it is. Tis the season where brokenness is revealed. Loneliness, brokenness in families, feeling of being unloved. It just gets expressed in all sorts of forms. Wanting a gf/bf, hating the holidays, being bitter. Maybe if you're really expressive in one of these areas you are broken? We're all broken. The holidays just seem to bring it out more. People think more or something this season as opposed to lazy/busy summer time? I realized that alota times when people get emo they think "it's stupid, I just need to get over it." Maybe! But if it's something that comes up again and again then no dude. You dont need to JUST get over it. You need to ADDRESS it. Bring that crap into the light and be freed. From someone who has had a history of struggling with random "emo" moments, let me tell you that there is a root. And instead of shaving it off at the surface you need to laser that sucker out! Into Marvelous Light I'm running. the marvelous laser light of God. Yes, lasers burn. But God has some mighty healing powers. Mighty indeed.

Tis the season to be jolly

Sex and the Church

Wouldn't it be interesting if there really was a newspaper column called "Sex and the Church" (instead of Sex and the City) I bet so many people would read it

Anyway this past Sunday we had a guest speaker come in to our youth group while our pastor was out of town. And when I went to introduce myself and welcome her before worship started she seemed very nice and mild. But DANG, when she went up to speak she was like FIRE. I was so shocked. She's worked in youth groups all around the world and in that one sermon she talked about murder, sex, pornography. HAHA the youth kids must have been like =O But you know what? I really liked it.

That Sunday I realized that our church, like most korean churches (and korean culture in general) I'd day, is very conservative. We do not talk about SEX or PORN or MASTURBATION!! Goodness gracious no! In our korean church culture we cringe even saying/hearing those words.

This season of my life I've been asking God to help me understand the Word more, like foreals. You know in the song “Heart of worship” there’s a line that says I’m sorry Lord for the thing I made it. And it’s so true. A lot of times a lot of us twist the word. But I don’t want my experiences, opinions, my church to be the filter for the Bible. It’s gotta be the other way around. The BIBLE is the standard! And recently I’ve been meditating on Psalm 119:34-36. I will share

Give me understanding and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

Mmm yes. I don’t want the worthless things. I want abundant life!

I’ve also been praying (esp because of youth group) that God would make me a pure vessel for his truth and his love. You know what I mean? I mean there’s the “Eurri” version of what she knows about God’s love and the bible, but my version only taints it. I want God to make me pure so I can be a less clogged artery for His life-giving blood. Haha.

Ok, so basically I’ve been asking God to help me understand the Bible for what it really says and I’ve been asking God to make me pure.

Now with all that going on, I found a book in my house that I totally forgot I ever had, which I just started reading. My youth group teacher gave it to our whole class back in high school. The book is called “QUESTIONS you cant ask your Mama about SEX” and it’s basically a bunch of sex questions answered biblically. It’s really interesting and it makes me laugh out loud sometimes because it’s super straight forward and sarcastic at times. And isn’t it interesting that I find this because HOW many times does the bible talk about “sexual immorality” specifically. Yet how much of that do I really understand or hear about in church? (Again the church can’t be the filter for the bible) So really what is sexual immorality? What is it??

The book I’m reading talks about God’s calling to Holiness and with that comes purity and with that comes sexual purity. And one thing I thought was really interesting is that it says ‘virginity does not equal purity. Many Christians maintain their virginity technically, yet live hedonistic lifestyles. Purity is a lifestyle.’ So basically there are Christians who may not be a virgin but who are more pure than you. Hm.

It’s crazy. Haha. Man, some of the questions asked in this book are like RIDICULOUS. But to answer the previous question just in case you didn’t know and wanted to they summarize it like this “if it’s used to cause arousal, it’s sexual.” But again, it’s not just about sex. It’s about God’s command for us to be holy because He is holy.

Wrecked

Today I got into my first car accident ever. Man it sucked. But me and my car are fine, mostly (unlike my suggestive title) Hehe but it was still a shock. If you've ever been smashed or the smasher then you know what I'm talking about. Even now as I'm writing this entry my outside is fine but my insides are still calming down. I cant really explain the feeling any other way. Like the the hit shook my whole body and then starting from the outside in my cells stop shaking. So my skin is totally calm, but like my liver is still quivering just a tad bit. HAHA is that weird? whatever!

Other people seemed to have a crummy day today too. And by crummy I mean like crumbling, being broken, getting wrecked. It made me wonder about God and why He wrecks us. I mean yes the obvious answers are "because He loves us" and "for His glory" (which I dont doubt by the way) But I did wonder why he gets the most glory by wrecking us? Again the answer that automatically jumps into mind is "because when we're brought low and humbled, God receives the most glory" But I still wondered. Unlike my other conclusive blog entries though I dont have an answer for this one, except that...


it's good =]

O Mother

So my mom recently started taking computer classes from someone at my church. Here is an email she sent me

"I will go to mission trip on china 9/20/09--9/30/09 I also have to go to Nashville 9/17--/9/20/09 It is litter too much for me but I do not have choice this time September 3, 2009, 11:10 pm I am still practicing computer ha ha ha….. Good nightt"


A tidbit of my mom. She seriously cracks me up. I have so much fun laughing at both my parents =]

Dying is hard.

It's better to love, than to be right.

Dang. Is that profound or what? Read it again.
Pamela said that to me once in passing, about what she was learning. What an amazing mentor I have. She doesnt ever try to teach me, but she just loves on me and has relationship with me. And I learn so much.

Haha. Actually she says a lot of one-liners that to me are like earth-shattering. HAHA. No joke. I'll give you a little taste.

"Sometimes, people can be so 'heavenly-minded' that they're no earthly good."

O_O

See where your mind takes you on that one. But dont get it twisted. Either of the bolds, please.

Hehe. Anyway. These days. Seriously, what is going on these days? In the hills, in my mind ._. I feel like God is really purging me. Refining me through the fires, literally and spritually. Challenging me a lot invidually and with people. That first bold, "better to love than to be right" always comes up in my mind because I am naturally like a BIG judger and with that comes the sin of being easily stumbled. And then the whole how to love in truth mystery always comes up, how do you balance it? I have learned personally that I (and many others) are really more focused on the 'truth' and not enough on LOOOOVE! We think we're loving by giving a dose of the truth, but we're not really lovin'. AND in doing so we're probably not delivering the truth very well either -_- And thats the whole point right? That's what really matters, a love that's effective. SO, I have discovered that the best way to do this "love with truth" IS..

...to just love.


AND


KNOW the truth for yourself. And AS you are loving, should God give you an opportunity to share the truth, then you can obey and be bold and deliver that truth. And God is pleased =]

Yes. So perhaps the title of this blog should really be "Loving is hard."

Nah

All fired out

These fires... they're making me crazy. I seriously had a little crazy time in my car last night trying to figure out where to go. And the combination of not getting enough sleep the night before + seriously needing to start my period + the news + the crazy sky looking like atomic bombs went off and the mountains looking like volcanoes + my crazy mind + my capacity to feel brokenness in this world + listening to Jesus music = mini emotional breakdown HAHAHA. I was a hot mess, crying and laughing as i was driving. Crying because I'd get overwhelmed by everything and then laughing thinking "wow. I'm being crazy. HAHA calm down.. its not even bad" LOL



But thank you Jesus for delivering me into a safe place. First into hope and reassurance of God's sovereignty. Over all and always. Second I am very thankful for people who can really remind me of God's love and goodness, in tiny and big ways. Thank you to everyone for housing me and thank you to those who comforted me when i was being mad. haha. we can look like Maya from heroes together. AHAHA

Most people dont even know/care really about what's happening. But its crazy. People are losing their homes. Some people are watching their homes burn. And then all of a sudden i thought about homeless people. How empty they must feel not belonging, displaced. Not belonging to a place, and some not belonging to people. What a deep sadness. Then I thought how amazing it is that I do belong somewhere, not merely a home but a heavenly place. I belong in heaven.

Seriously. Who am i to have this hope. And I was reminded last night as I was talking to a sister, who am I for God to intervene and save me from sin when it says how God gave some over to their sins. It really is amazing and unexplainable grace.

O man... blogging makes me think of more to blog about. HAHA more later.

Opinions

who needs them? Nadie

OMGOSH!

Wow. I know I wrote a tidbit about this on my facebook status but that little line is just not enough to express how i feel right now...

So whenever people would gather around and start talking about all their favorite childhood shows I would hesitate before asking about these certain ones. But I'd always ask JUUST in case someone knew what i was talking about. However, I am left disappointed each time. But now..alas. I've discovered them on youtube!!! AMAZING!

If you've ever heard about my childhood stories with Eumi, then you are bound to have heard the one about us pretending to be koalas and climbing up our couch and eating geem (seaweed) that was sticking out of our blinds (which of course we strategically placed beforehand). Well here it is.. the show that inspired it all, that NO one seems to recall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEZVaD1psOE

Youtube is amazing. After this one I found all these other ones that I had thought I dreamt up but no..its real, so real.

Like this one..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6HUedbFa9A&NR=1

the scene at 35 sec with the little person on the bunches of grapes. That image has been burned into my brain for YEARS. And I seriously thought I might've made it up but then I found it! O_O

And eeguh..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAphcvZaS8I&feature=related

This was the "other" knome show.. or little guy with a pointy hat show.. HAHAAH omgosh

And then of course there was this freaky thing...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgmXgoBZFo

but anyway...

Dang. I am pretty satisfied right now. The comments on some of these videos are so hilarious.

"i could so cry...i didnt even know that anyone would have this!! "

"Ommmg. Nobody ever remembers this show! "

"I remember I would watch this and Noozles all the time when I was a kid. Ah the memories..."

Sigh. I am not alone.

Madness

Hmm. So much change in such a short time no? I dont know. HAHA

Well. I am now officially serving at youth group in church! =O Yep I ate durian wafer and burped up gas for an entire day at the retreat last weekend. LOL. What has God gotten me into? Haha but seriously I dont think anyone but me knows how much grace is in my serving at church. But thank you God, redeemer of all things.

The STSMers are BACK!! Man. They were so blessed. How do I know? Cus I've only heard "the faintest whispers of how great You are" and it's been a crazy blessing to me already. I've only had crumbs but they're tasty!

....

Wow. I totally went on a yogurtree break while writing this and now I dont remember what else I had to say. Until next time...

Miss Dependent

I have officially moved back home for the first time since moving to Tujunga. HAHA I think because I totally expected like the worst, I'm SLOWLY discovering the perks.

perk#1 The first night I moved in I said to my mom "Umma! I'm living here now! For a year!" And as I was leaving her room she said "I'm happy" HAHA aw sweet mother =]

perk#2 I like knowing that there is someone in the house sleeping every night

perk#3 Even though I really dont like it being TOO quiet during the day, its really nice at night.

Yes..that's all i can think of for now. AHAH for sure there are some things that I miss a lot about college life. BUT I'm looking at the brightside =]

Speaking of moving. Moving FORWARD!

So part of living in in Tujunga means I've been driving alot these days. And you know what that means..LOUD singing. AHAHA jk. But I have a lot of time to reflect as well. And I really think it's interesting that EVERYONE is gone. Or was at some point during this summer. My mini-theme for the summer became "miss independent" LOL not by choice really. No but by HIS choice. And the theme I'm realizing is really Miss DEPENDENT on God. I think God really wants me to realize just how DEPENDABLE He is.

I guess I will share a tidbit of something I realized in Sweden now. During my trip I thought alot about Zimbabwe and about being alone. I felt super alone in Sweden. Not like sad and lonely, but alone. And I asked Pamela if maybe I could bring someone to Zimbabwe with me. HAHA i duno just advertise around and see if anybody might be convicted to go too. But I'm pretty sure that would'nt have happened anyway. BECAUSE that same night in Sweden God showed me what was really going on in my heart and basically what I thought was that if I went to Africa by myself I would feel so sad and lonely, that Holy Spirit wouldn't be enough, wouldn't be my comforter. He'd be too busy filling the "charismatic" people and I'd just feel empty. And so I had to repent. Forgive me God for thinking that you're stingy, that you hold back. One thing Pamela said to me that rocked me was "Eurri, do you know that you can have as much of God as you want" DANG. All my life I had this passive beggar mentality of "oh IF God gives me something i'll take it." But when she said that, it put it all on me. I cant plead ignorance and say "God you never showed yourself to me or gave me this" It's now just about how much of God DO I want?

Crazy huh?

And then I think after that I got scared. I did the Heisman on God. AHAHA jk. But I really kept him at an arm's distance =I


Then another while later... I was talking to a sister <3 who shared with me what she was learning. And she said that people always get so initimidated when thinking about giving our EVERYTHING to God. But God doesnt demand all of that. He just wants our heart. Wow.

So back to the point. All these things were quite spread out in time. And as you can tell from my recent entry I was still in the flesh. But God is so faithful. And He always proves Himself. Man. It's your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance, foreals. God wants me to see how Dependable He really is. Awesome friend, awesome lover, awesome Lord. I want to see it.

Open my eyes to see

Cacooning

I want to fly.

Back in the Habit

Haha. I love sister act, II more.

Wow. So it seems like an extremely long time ago that I last blogged and I feel like an extremely different person and in an odd season of my life. Haha you dont really realize that you're out of a season until you stop and think and see "oh that's not me anymore..."

so where am i? Where have i been?

Man. Ever since Sweden...it seriously jacked me up a little I think. I think that's really when my Spirit and Flesh started waging war on each other. And to be sincerely honest, I feel like I've been living in the flesh more, especially the recent past =I I had so much happen during that trip and there was so much I wanted to share, and I probably will some day with some, but I duno. I went all shy guy for a bit. I thought about this blog too while I was there. Maybe that's where I went wrong? Maybe I was a bit intimidated by collecting more readers and that added a pressure? I mean, when I started this thing it was basically a diary. And not only good/encouraging things go into diaries. Also, when I started this "diary" I had alota crap going on inside me, not that there's any less junk, just more secret junk. Stupid junk? I had a random thought. I was thinking how most people like to update their blogs only when they have like good news to share. But what if someone's blog was titled "Confessions" and they just literally confessed in full details, names/places etc. their sin? That'd be pretty crazy huh? Someone consistently and publicly blogging all their bad thoughts/deeds. It's like a potential movie. HAHA WOW I am rambling...

Anyway, it's really time to put the brakes on my mindless summer. Not just academically mindless but mindless and careless about what's essential, what's life-giving. God. Jesus. Holy Spirit. This summer so far, I've just been feeding my mind and soul junk. Entertaining ridiculous thoughts. Thoughts that I had thought I had died to. But then outa stinkin nowhere, it creeps into my life and like freaking yeast works its way all the way through. O Jesus. Romance the pants off of me. LOL that sounds so bad. But please, sweep me off my feet. A new friend of mine recently asked me what my prayer request was and I said "I just want to love God more." So true. So simple, yet so hard. Pray.

Yes...since this ISNT a private diary, I will include some high and lovely notes. Not just for the sake of it but because I want to share something that was encouraging to ME.
My sweet little brother in Christ from my India team emailed this out to us a while back.

(he did the CAPITALIZING btw)...

"And today, I read in Jeremiah God's amazing, amazing Covenant to His people:

They will be my people and I will be their God. I wil give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I WILL NEVER STOP DOING GOOD TO THEM, and I will inspire them to fear me, SO THAT THEY WILL NEVER TURN AWAY FROM ME. I WILL REJOICE IN DOING THEM GOOD and will assuredly plant them in this land with ALL MY HEART AND SOUL" (Jeremiah 32:38-41)

AMAZING =]

And Finally...
If you couldn't already tell, I love praise songs and every once in a while I'll hear one that gets me.


(this is only the first few lines. But the song repeats it. It's beautiful)

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours [Misty Edwards]

Listen to it

New Look

I chose a new template, in hopes that I will start posting again.


soon...ish

OK

So I've been digesting for about two weeks now, and get ready because I'm about to poop them out! AAHHAH

this is a holy moment now

Romans 12:12

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

so thankful

Haha. First thought. I am thankful to have this blog. It reminds of the good old xanga days when I would just jot my thoughts down before having to go somewhere or do something. So yes. Thankful that I started this blog (even though some people think blogs are only for bipolar people. ahem)

Moving on. I am at this moment very thankful to God, for my calling. Not that I know exactly everything God's calling me towards. But that conviction I had about 7 months ago now, that I just radically obeyed without really even understanding for what purpose other than feeling "God wants it" is just getting re- and reinforced. I shall elaborate.

So honestly, when I say that it's been a crazy 3+ months this year, I really mean it. HAH. Crazy in different ways. But one crazy part is what some people might call the "senior scramble"? LOL. At first I was just like "what the heck..what is going on in this world?!?" But now I feel the dust is slowly settling after the stampede of people kicking all over the place, trying to get their foot in somewhere. Digust. HAHA jk. At first I think I felt a little lost in the chaos. Where was my heart in all of this? Protected thank God! Being refined by all the big and little burns. It is after all, His furnace I'm being refined in. I'm not gonna lie, it is not always easy being on a path that seems so opposite of where the "world" is going (haha this super tiny microcosm of relationships). At first, seeing people going down other paths made me wonder if I wanted to follow my own. God had made MY path clear, but it had gotten a little cloudy (probably from all the dust. HA) And then of course there was the feeling of "noo, come on this path with me!!" But now...

I am so thankful to be on my path. I'm not looking down on anyone else's paths. Just glad and thankful to be on mine. And I'm excited to walk further ahead with God. Hehe, and yet again I am reminded of something that I learned while in India (always!)

[From John 21:15-25] me paraphrasing...
Jesus: "Do you love me?"
If I want him/her to_____what is that to you? YOU come and follow me."

Alright. Gotta catch the tram. Good day!

bitterSWEET

Today's KCM chapel was SO good. Palm Sunday was wonderful. Today all the 2K9 Stsmers officially found out their teams/teammates. HOW EXCITING! Makes me remember everything wonderful about India/STSM 2K8. I know that india team we joke about how we'll never die but HONESTLY, I have this crazy deep love for my india team and for stsm 2k8 in general. And even though we're not all super-updated in each other's lives, the flames are so readily rekindled. Or at least it is to me. It's a beautiful gift from God.

2009 is gonna be a crazy year. It's already been a crazy 3+ months. God has some crazy plans for this year. CRAZY CRAZY!


**************************

HAHA so I realized that I've got more to say...

But first I am very curious to know who reads this thing. Tell me! Alas, that is my downfall. My curiosity is the death of me. But I still want to know. HAHA. I wish some people had blogs because I am especially curious what goes in the minds of certain people. I guess I could just ask them what they're thinking but sometimes it's not my place and I cant really make them share with me. I'm sure people are curious too. For the record I am not offended by questions. (Or have yet to be anyway) So feel free to drop a question whenever. Whatevs.

i'll think of a title later

What is going on this world today? Even in just this little mini-bubble I'm living in, there seems to be so much going on. Pshh at the surface level its nonsense, and then at a deeper level there's brokenness and hunger for more, and then even deeper than that I feel is God waiting for us to come before Him. Just waiting for us to ask of Him the things we need, want, and were made for. Not waiting to judge but to forgive, and more than forgive to transform, out of His AWESOME POWER AND LOVE FOR US to His Glory!! Haha

I think everyone likes or tends to stay in one of the upper levels. For some it's comfortable not to think about the deep and "depressing" things. And for others (including old Eurri) they tend stay in the broken stage, dwelling on the helplessness and seeming hopelessness of it all. I must admit that I tread in the upper two levels alot. But in God there is so much depth. Haha really. God's love is so deep. It reaches from heaven to earth to the deepest cavities of our souls.

Haha so this past weekend when the UC's were still on break Eumi came over to stay a night at my apartment and she like forced me to sing this song so she could harmonize to it. LOL. But the words are so beautiful. So I will share =]

I cant understand this work of grace
how a perfect God would come and take my place

Stars they dont move you, Waves cant undo you, Mountains and splendor
they cannot steal your heart

God who is holy, perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory, is ravished by my heart

[chorus]
Though I'm dark you say I am lovely
Though I'm poor you say I am beautiful

some how my weakness has overwhelmed you.
somehow my weak love it has stolen away your heart.


Hope you know that THAT is true of you. HAHA have a blessed week!

Finally some real closure

Man, I think what I was afraid of most was becoming strangers, of him just completely forgetting this huge chunk of my life. But now I can truly say that I'm letting go of the good, for the great. I'm letting go of the old, good, and first relationship I've ever had and allowing myself to sink deeper than ever into the arms of my beloved. What a testament of God's amazing reconciling power for us to move on, selflessly cheering each other on without a hint of judgement. Really allowing the love that we had for each other to become purified into trusting that whatever decisions we make in the future will be led by God's hand. Who am I to judge which of his decisions are being obedient to God's will. How can I say that being single is following God's plan for him or if dating some kind of person isn't God's plan for him? Really.

And now. Peace. Letting go of all hurts. Moving forward to what is great. And by that I dont necessarily mean a better relationship with a guy. But for me, that great is being obedient to God and allowing Him to mold my heart into His. Sure a great husband in a few years would be awesome. But more awesome is to be fully satisfied in my God and Savior no matter where I am, however old I am, with whatever status I am. That is truly GREAT. Mmm. Praise you God for your sovereignty and for being perfectly good. Would you help me to be completely content in you forever!

some complaints, some thanks

Disclaimer: I'm just going to spill it out, messy though my thoughts may be

So much has happened since the last post I feel. Crazy revelations, some deep hurts, really wrestling with God, some wrestling with sin, thank you thank you's, and mmmm. haha

Time to be a little vague now...
I totally got owned last week and I think it was one of the more hurtful things of this whole experience. Why? Maybe because I'm not denying the condition of my heart anymore. I dont know. After I got slapped in the face emotionally I just ate bedsheet. HAHA. But thank you God for revealing to me your truth about justice through leader peter at india team hangout. And thank you God for Psalm 13. It's crazy how much it spoke into my life. It was one of those moments where the bible speaks right to you at just the right moment. Because I really did feel like I just gotta wait it out. And the psalm starts out "How long, O Lord?...How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?..." but man the last two verses "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." It's like that song. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me. I really love how God puts certain praise songs in me at certain times. I first noticed it in India, or maybe right before during training. But man, it's so good. Thank God for praise songs!

And I love how He builds on His word through life experiences. I love P. Mike's sermons at KCM. How to understand God's love for us. Three thing, the third one was knowing that the cross is the best way of God showing his love for us. We ask for and worry about worldly things. Most of the time we measure His love for us by material things or relationships or health. And we ask for those kinds of gifts from God to show that he loves us. But God says "No, that's not good enough. I dont want to just give you things that are going to die and rot, things that wont last. I want to give you eternal things. I know what you really need, you need salvation and redemption and atonement." And so he gave us the cross. Crazy.

Anyway. these days Satan has been filling me with all sorts of crazy thoughts, especially against my sisters in Christ. Please pray that i wont listen to them. Pray right now if you will. And tell me what I can pray for you. Alright. more later. toodles

How Awesome

So two days ago moms and pops came and picked me up so we could go sign some papers and to buy me a desperately needed vacuum cleaner. And as I sat in the back seat watching my parents chit chat in the car I was just so awesomely blown away. Apparently my dad, supreme church hater, felt convicted to go to church this past sunday and he was telling my mom all excitedly about how much he enjoyed it.

wow.

And now we wants to go on a mission trip to Cambodia with them for a week.

O_O


How it all happened was that my daddy since his heart surgery a few years ago has had to go into the hospital to get regular checkups. And I know that he's had some crazy encounters with Jesus plus he's had so many medical miracles happen to him. He knows God is real. But still he hates on church people. But this recent checkup, something changed his mind and made it a little bit more open. So a few days prior to his appointment at the hospital he was feeling all these pains but the actual day he didnt really feel much. And then at the hospital the doctor opened up his thigh and stuck a camera in so my daddy could see his own heart and lo and behold nothing is wrong. And my dad, being the comedian that he is, was like "dang i should go to church" HAHA and so he actually found one and went! And he liked it. And now he wants to go on missions. LOL i dont think he even knows what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to go on a trip. haha but man...

Praise God! He shows me that even though I am unfaithful he is ALWAYS faithful, working in my parents and their relationship. He is SO good. Instead of saying to my dad "Ugh, I'm so fed up with your disbelief, he STILL reaches out to him, revealing Himself. And praise Him for the encouragements that I receive so abundantly when I dont deserve to be encouraged.

I feel like even though Satan tries to darken my eyes to see just the bad and discouraging things, God lifts up my eyes to the heavens. It's like he lifts up my chin. Just when my heart wants to harden He melts it with love, His love, through others. Shown in big ways and small. Did you know that I found my bible?? The one that I took to India and thought I had lost. I found it! It was under my bed. HAHA =]

how can i say this?

i cant. Because I dont know what to say.

it's a new day

So mama choi since the day I was born practically has always said these Godly phrases to me. "Jesus love you" "I pray for you EVERYday" "It's a new day, my girl" "Take it easy" AHAHA jk I duno if that last one is Godly but I'm realizing what a true blessing it is to have a parent that has such a real relationship with Christ. Before, I used to just see her as my mom but dang I can see Holy Spirit in her. And it's amazing.

Just one example of her being a light in my life. If you look at my family's history, you'd see a trend of sucky holidays. And this past winter break my dad was being an ass to my mom and saying hateful things and I remember talking to her about it the next day. And she was saying that yea of course sometimes she feels like bearing that grudge and dwelling on the things he said to her the day before. She can feel her sinful nature trying to take over. But then the spirit always tells her that "it's a new day," a new day to love. And she really lives it. Man. Maybe you'd have to know my family to know how insane that is, because it's almost been a constant thing. And sinful people you know we'd get fed up. We'd say we cant' handle that kind of stuff anymore, we're tired. It's not fair. But the cross is not fair. Jesus was not fair. More than fair, it's grace. We ask Jesus should we forgive seven times and He says seventy seven times.

So today is a new day. A new day to embrace grace and to love. But that's impossible for us to do without Christ. He is the vine we are the branches. Without being connected to Him we have no life, we cannot bear fruit.

Thank you God.

what?how?why?

What am i supposed to do with myself?

I am in a knot. Just stuck, and confused. Bah, I really dont know how to feel.

=]

happy post to come! I promise =)

heartbreak

You can have heartbreak over a lot of things.
Family. Friendships. Circumstance. Relationship. And each type feels a little bit different.

I've just recently discovered the last one. It feels like your heart has exploded and tiny pieces of it are floating around in space. And during that fragile state of fragmentation a lot of different things can suddenly take hold of a piece of your heart. But because it's broken nothing/no one can really hold all of it.

Thankfully, God is bigger than space. He is big enough to hold all the pieces.

more than this

There must be more than this...

God wants more than this. I want more than this.
There must be more than this!

Haha. Can you tell the difference between the first line and the third line?

battery's about to die. And sometimes you just gotta do instead of writing about doing anyway~ PEACE