some complaints, some thanks

Disclaimer: I'm just going to spill it out, messy though my thoughts may be

So much has happened since the last post I feel. Crazy revelations, some deep hurts, really wrestling with God, some wrestling with sin, thank you thank you's, and mmmm. haha

Time to be a little vague now...
I totally got owned last week and I think it was one of the more hurtful things of this whole experience. Why? Maybe because I'm not denying the condition of my heart anymore. I dont know. After I got slapped in the face emotionally I just ate bedsheet. HAHA. But thank you God for revealing to me your truth about justice through leader peter at india team hangout. And thank you God for Psalm 13. It's crazy how much it spoke into my life. It was one of those moments where the bible speaks right to you at just the right moment. Because I really did feel like I just gotta wait it out. And the psalm starts out "How long, O Lord?...How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?..." but man the last two verses "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." It's like that song. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me. I really love how God puts certain praise songs in me at certain times. I first noticed it in India, or maybe right before during training. But man, it's so good. Thank God for praise songs!

And I love how He builds on His word through life experiences. I love P. Mike's sermons at KCM. How to understand God's love for us. Three thing, the third one was knowing that the cross is the best way of God showing his love for us. We ask for and worry about worldly things. Most of the time we measure His love for us by material things or relationships or health. And we ask for those kinds of gifts from God to show that he loves us. But God says "No, that's not good enough. I dont want to just give you things that are going to die and rot, things that wont last. I want to give you eternal things. I know what you really need, you need salvation and redemption and atonement." And so he gave us the cross. Crazy.

Anyway. these days Satan has been filling me with all sorts of crazy thoughts, especially against my sisters in Christ. Please pray that i wont listen to them. Pray right now if you will. And tell me what I can pray for you. Alright. more later. toodles

How Awesome

So two days ago moms and pops came and picked me up so we could go sign some papers and to buy me a desperately needed vacuum cleaner. And as I sat in the back seat watching my parents chit chat in the car I was just so awesomely blown away. Apparently my dad, supreme church hater, felt convicted to go to church this past sunday and he was telling my mom all excitedly about how much he enjoyed it.

wow.

And now we wants to go on a mission trip to Cambodia with them for a week.

O_O


How it all happened was that my daddy since his heart surgery a few years ago has had to go into the hospital to get regular checkups. And I know that he's had some crazy encounters with Jesus plus he's had so many medical miracles happen to him. He knows God is real. But still he hates on church people. But this recent checkup, something changed his mind and made it a little bit more open. So a few days prior to his appointment at the hospital he was feeling all these pains but the actual day he didnt really feel much. And then at the hospital the doctor opened up his thigh and stuck a camera in so my daddy could see his own heart and lo and behold nothing is wrong. And my dad, being the comedian that he is, was like "dang i should go to church" HAHA and so he actually found one and went! And he liked it. And now he wants to go on missions. LOL i dont think he even knows what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to go on a trip. haha but man...

Praise God! He shows me that even though I am unfaithful he is ALWAYS faithful, working in my parents and their relationship. He is SO good. Instead of saying to my dad "Ugh, I'm so fed up with your disbelief, he STILL reaches out to him, revealing Himself. And praise Him for the encouragements that I receive so abundantly when I dont deserve to be encouraged.

I feel like even though Satan tries to darken my eyes to see just the bad and discouraging things, God lifts up my eyes to the heavens. It's like he lifts up my chin. Just when my heart wants to harden He melts it with love, His love, through others. Shown in big ways and small. Did you know that I found my bible?? The one that I took to India and thought I had lost. I found it! It was under my bed. HAHA =]

how can i say this?

i cant. Because I dont know what to say.