whatever

So I just did something dumb. Or maybe it's not that dumb but I'm now questioning if I should have done it. One of my to-do's today was to clean out my email and I looked at my oldest emails and noticed that I had saved all of the emails that Edward wrote me this year. And then I started to read some of them. I didnt read all of it because that would that too long. But I did read the ones from the very beginning of this year when he first went away to Italy and then some of the later ones he wrote during the summer, while he was in New York working and while missions training was happening over here with me. Haha I didn't realize that we wrote each other so much. Anyway, as I was reading the emails chronologically I could just see the evolution of myself happening as I tried to relate it all to Edward via email. And I could see that he was changing too. We were both growing but it didn't seem like the relationship was changing as much. Then again, they were just emails so who knows where the relationship could have gone if we were still together. But all I knew was that I was changing, that's for sure. And this break up is so hard to explain. Every time it comes up and people ask I seem to have a different reasoning, but it's still all very true. But having such different answers each time is kind of confusing. I thought break-ups were supposed to have like a solid, concrete, obvious (maybe?) reason. Even to me sometimes I get confused exactly what the reason was. But beyond the confusion and lack of explanation I just KNOW that we're not supposed to be dating right now, not eachother not anyone. And I think Edward knows it in his heart too, otherwise he wouldnt have agreed. And if that feeling didnt persist then one of us would probably have said let's get back together. Yea.. just gotta trust and be obedient.

Anyways, I'm blabbering too much. My thoughts are getting carried away. This is what happens when you're at home alone in front of the computer for too long. The focus is not on us, or me. It's on God. It's always on God.

You're the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus..
O Christ, be the center of our lives.
Be the place we fix our eyes.
Be the center of our lives.

God, please help me to acknowledge your presence always. Let me embrace your love and grace and sovereignty daily. Keep me.

Spiritual eyes
Spritualize


HAHA. ok bye!

Quarter life crisis?

And I'm back. HAHA.

So I am not currently going through a quarter-life crisis but I thought that maybe I might be going through one soon, especially after I graduate and maybe I'll just be working at a lab in Berkeley with no accountability and thinking to myself "is this it?" I actually didn't even know the notion of a quarter-life crisis until brother Leo told me about it (thanks Leo...poisoning my mind) HAHA jk. It's always good to step back and evaluate your life and see if it's in accord with whoever's plan it is you're following, either yours or God's. And thinking about the future is so crazy. The future is so near! Man, it really doesnt feel that long ago when I moved from high school on to college. That change was pretty dramatic. My brother used to take care of almost everything for me and then BAM as soon as I'm in college "you're in college! You do it!" That is literally what he said to me. I was quite bewildered. HAHA. And I can just see it, next year I'll be struggling with all these new things about life I didn't know and people will be like "welcome to the real world." Yea, thanks. O my.

But yea, how to prevent a quarter-life crisis? I guess to me is to make sure I feel like I'm living in obedience, to whatever/wherever it is that God wants for me. O dear, when I think about God, it's so crazy. I forget what it was that P. Arnold called it. It was about how humans are different from all other creation because we can think about thinking. Does that make sense? There was a word for it but I dont remember what it was. But yea, that's what I think sometimes when I think about God. It's like constructive wave interference (LOL physics) If I left it at that I think only susie would understand the analogy. But it's like when you drop a pebble in a puddle. Alota overlapping and then greater amplitude, and then to me sometimes it becomes a little too overwhelming and then I kinda just blank out. AHAHA yea... that word. Bah still cant think of it. But that's what I'm doing right now and writing nonsense.

ANYWAY. Vacation does not equal vacation from personal time with God. I find that I've been neglecting my Jesus during his birthday O_O A wise woman, by the name of my mama, once told me "You'll never find time, you gotta make time." Such truth. I gotta make more time for God. I should go do that now. Adios

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

We'll See...

Wow. I just spontaneously created a blog. Or actually maybe not so spontaneously because lately I've been wanting to make one, perhaps I have a lot on my mind. Yes, I think I do. And I decided to go with eblogger because I just recently discovered that a lot more people I know have this, it's like a hidden world exclusive only for people who are pensive and like to write, sort of. I'm not much of a writer, but I do think a lot. And talk a lot. Haha. I just like to share things about myself. And now it is available for all to read and know... hmm, I dont know if that's exactly a good thing. But I realized a while back (during India team testimony sharing in Mexico to be exact) that if anything I've experienced or struggle with now can be a blessing to even one person who knows about it, then it's worth sharing. Yes, you are not alone.

Yea... so please dont slap me if I get heavy-duty or emo in this. It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. MAH...anyway

I actually do have sort've a heavy-duty realization about myself that I discovered yesterday. Heavy enough that it made me open a gmail account just so I could start this blog and write about it.

BAH! Now I'm having second thoughts about sharing intimate details about myself. AHAH. I will share. Just not now, I have a phyiscs final to study for -_- DEATH!

what a great first post...