whatever

So I just did something dumb. Or maybe it's not that dumb but I'm now questioning if I should have done it. One of my to-do's today was to clean out my email and I looked at my oldest emails and noticed that I had saved all of the emails that Edward wrote me this year. And then I started to read some of them. I didnt read all of it because that would that too long. But I did read the ones from the very beginning of this year when he first went away to Italy and then some of the later ones he wrote during the summer, while he was in New York working and while missions training was happening over here with me. Haha I didn't realize that we wrote each other so much. Anyway, as I was reading the emails chronologically I could just see the evolution of myself happening as I tried to relate it all to Edward via email. And I could see that he was changing too. We were both growing but it didn't seem like the relationship was changing as much. Then again, they were just emails so who knows where the relationship could have gone if we were still together. But all I knew was that I was changing, that's for sure. And this break up is so hard to explain. Every time it comes up and people ask I seem to have a different reasoning, but it's still all very true. But having such different answers each time is kind of confusing. I thought break-ups were supposed to have like a solid, concrete, obvious (maybe?) reason. Even to me sometimes I get confused exactly what the reason was. But beyond the confusion and lack of explanation I just KNOW that we're not supposed to be dating right now, not eachother not anyone. And I think Edward knows it in his heart too, otherwise he wouldnt have agreed. And if that feeling didnt persist then one of us would probably have said let's get back together. Yea.. just gotta trust and be obedient.

Anyways, I'm blabbering too much. My thoughts are getting carried away. This is what happens when you're at home alone in front of the computer for too long. The focus is not on us, or me. It's on God. It's always on God.

You're the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus..
O Christ, be the center of our lives.
Be the place we fix our eyes.
Be the center of our lives.

God, please help me to acknowledge your presence always. Let me embrace your love and grace and sovereignty daily. Keep me.

Spiritual eyes
Spritualize


HAHA. ok bye!