this is a holy moment now

Romans 12:12

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

so thankful

Haha. First thought. I am thankful to have this blog. It reminds of the good old xanga days when I would just jot my thoughts down before having to go somewhere or do something. So yes. Thankful that I started this blog (even though some people think blogs are only for bipolar people. ahem)

Moving on. I am at this moment very thankful to God, for my calling. Not that I know exactly everything God's calling me towards. But that conviction I had about 7 months ago now, that I just radically obeyed without really even understanding for what purpose other than feeling "God wants it" is just getting re- and reinforced. I shall elaborate.

So honestly, when I say that it's been a crazy 3+ months this year, I really mean it. HAH. Crazy in different ways. But one crazy part is what some people might call the "senior scramble"? LOL. At first I was just like "what the heck..what is going on in this world?!?" But now I feel the dust is slowly settling after the stampede of people kicking all over the place, trying to get their foot in somewhere. Digust. HAHA jk. At first I think I felt a little lost in the chaos. Where was my heart in all of this? Protected thank God! Being refined by all the big and little burns. It is after all, His furnace I'm being refined in. I'm not gonna lie, it is not always easy being on a path that seems so opposite of where the "world" is going (haha this super tiny microcosm of relationships). At first, seeing people going down other paths made me wonder if I wanted to follow my own. God had made MY path clear, but it had gotten a little cloudy (probably from all the dust. HA) And then of course there was the feeling of "noo, come on this path with me!!" But now...

I am so thankful to be on my path. I'm not looking down on anyone else's paths. Just glad and thankful to be on mine. And I'm excited to walk further ahead with God. Hehe, and yet again I am reminded of something that I learned while in India (always!)

[From John 21:15-25] me paraphrasing...
Jesus: "Do you love me?"
If I want him/her to_____what is that to you? YOU come and follow me."

Alright. Gotta catch the tram. Good day!

bitterSWEET

Today's KCM chapel was SO good. Palm Sunday was wonderful. Today all the 2K9 Stsmers officially found out their teams/teammates. HOW EXCITING! Makes me remember everything wonderful about India/STSM 2K8. I know that india team we joke about how we'll never die but HONESTLY, I have this crazy deep love for my india team and for stsm 2k8 in general. And even though we're not all super-updated in each other's lives, the flames are so readily rekindled. Or at least it is to me. It's a beautiful gift from God.

2009 is gonna be a crazy year. It's already been a crazy 3+ months. God has some crazy plans for this year. CRAZY CRAZY!


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HAHA so I realized that I've got more to say...

But first I am very curious to know who reads this thing. Tell me! Alas, that is my downfall. My curiosity is the death of me. But I still want to know. HAHA. I wish some people had blogs because I am especially curious what goes in the minds of certain people. I guess I could just ask them what they're thinking but sometimes it's not my place and I cant really make them share with me. I'm sure people are curious too. For the record I am not offended by questions. (Or have yet to be anyway) So feel free to drop a question whenever. Whatevs.

i'll think of a title later

What is going on this world today? Even in just this little mini-bubble I'm living in, there seems to be so much going on. Pshh at the surface level its nonsense, and then at a deeper level there's brokenness and hunger for more, and then even deeper than that I feel is God waiting for us to come before Him. Just waiting for us to ask of Him the things we need, want, and were made for. Not waiting to judge but to forgive, and more than forgive to transform, out of His AWESOME POWER AND LOVE FOR US to His Glory!! Haha

I think everyone likes or tends to stay in one of the upper levels. For some it's comfortable not to think about the deep and "depressing" things. And for others (including old Eurri) they tend stay in the broken stage, dwelling on the helplessness and seeming hopelessness of it all. I must admit that I tread in the upper two levels alot. But in God there is so much depth. Haha really. God's love is so deep. It reaches from heaven to earth to the deepest cavities of our souls.

Haha so this past weekend when the UC's were still on break Eumi came over to stay a night at my apartment and she like forced me to sing this song so she could harmonize to it. LOL. But the words are so beautiful. So I will share =]

I cant understand this work of grace
how a perfect God would come and take my place

Stars they dont move you, Waves cant undo you, Mountains and splendor
they cannot steal your heart

God who is holy, perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory, is ravished by my heart

[chorus]
Though I'm dark you say I am lovely
Though I'm poor you say I am beautiful

some how my weakness has overwhelmed you.
somehow my weak love it has stolen away your heart.


Hope you know that THAT is true of you. HAHA have a blessed week!

Finally some real closure

Man, I think what I was afraid of most was becoming strangers, of him just completely forgetting this huge chunk of my life. But now I can truly say that I'm letting go of the good, for the great. I'm letting go of the old, good, and first relationship I've ever had and allowing myself to sink deeper than ever into the arms of my beloved. What a testament of God's amazing reconciling power for us to move on, selflessly cheering each other on without a hint of judgement. Really allowing the love that we had for each other to become purified into trusting that whatever decisions we make in the future will be led by God's hand. Who am I to judge which of his decisions are being obedient to God's will. How can I say that being single is following God's plan for him or if dating some kind of person isn't God's plan for him? Really.

And now. Peace. Letting go of all hurts. Moving forward to what is great. And by that I dont necessarily mean a better relationship with a guy. But for me, that great is being obedient to God and allowing Him to mold my heart into His. Sure a great husband in a few years would be awesome. But more awesome is to be fully satisfied in my God and Savior no matter where I am, however old I am, with whatever status I am. That is truly GREAT. Mmm. Praise you God for your sovereignty and for being perfectly good. Would you help me to be completely content in you forever!

some complaints, some thanks

Disclaimer: I'm just going to spill it out, messy though my thoughts may be

So much has happened since the last post I feel. Crazy revelations, some deep hurts, really wrestling with God, some wrestling with sin, thank you thank you's, and mmmm. haha

Time to be a little vague now...
I totally got owned last week and I think it was one of the more hurtful things of this whole experience. Why? Maybe because I'm not denying the condition of my heart anymore. I dont know. After I got slapped in the face emotionally I just ate bedsheet. HAHA. But thank you God for revealing to me your truth about justice through leader peter at india team hangout. And thank you God for Psalm 13. It's crazy how much it spoke into my life. It was one of those moments where the bible speaks right to you at just the right moment. Because I really did feel like I just gotta wait it out. And the psalm starts out "How long, O Lord?...How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?..." but man the last two verses "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." It's like that song. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me. I really love how God puts certain praise songs in me at certain times. I first noticed it in India, or maybe right before during training. But man, it's so good. Thank God for praise songs!

And I love how He builds on His word through life experiences. I love P. Mike's sermons at KCM. How to understand God's love for us. Three thing, the third one was knowing that the cross is the best way of God showing his love for us. We ask for and worry about worldly things. Most of the time we measure His love for us by material things or relationships or health. And we ask for those kinds of gifts from God to show that he loves us. But God says "No, that's not good enough. I dont want to just give you things that are going to die and rot, things that wont last. I want to give you eternal things. I know what you really need, you need salvation and redemption and atonement." And so he gave us the cross. Crazy.

Anyway. these days Satan has been filling me with all sorts of crazy thoughts, especially against my sisters in Christ. Please pray that i wont listen to them. Pray right now if you will. And tell me what I can pray for you. Alright. more later. toodles

How Awesome

So two days ago moms and pops came and picked me up so we could go sign some papers and to buy me a desperately needed vacuum cleaner. And as I sat in the back seat watching my parents chit chat in the car I was just so awesomely blown away. Apparently my dad, supreme church hater, felt convicted to go to church this past sunday and he was telling my mom all excitedly about how much he enjoyed it.

wow.

And now we wants to go on a mission trip to Cambodia with them for a week.

O_O


How it all happened was that my daddy since his heart surgery a few years ago has had to go into the hospital to get regular checkups. And I know that he's had some crazy encounters with Jesus plus he's had so many medical miracles happen to him. He knows God is real. But still he hates on church people. But this recent checkup, something changed his mind and made it a little bit more open. So a few days prior to his appointment at the hospital he was feeling all these pains but the actual day he didnt really feel much. And then at the hospital the doctor opened up his thigh and stuck a camera in so my daddy could see his own heart and lo and behold nothing is wrong. And my dad, being the comedian that he is, was like "dang i should go to church" HAHA and so he actually found one and went! And he liked it. And now he wants to go on missions. LOL i dont think he even knows what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to go on a trip. haha but man...

Praise God! He shows me that even though I am unfaithful he is ALWAYS faithful, working in my parents and their relationship. He is SO good. Instead of saying to my dad "Ugh, I'm so fed up with your disbelief, he STILL reaches out to him, revealing Himself. And praise Him for the encouragements that I receive so abundantly when I dont deserve to be encouraged.

I feel like even though Satan tries to darken my eyes to see just the bad and discouraging things, God lifts up my eyes to the heavens. It's like he lifts up my chin. Just when my heart wants to harden He melts it with love, His love, through others. Shown in big ways and small. Did you know that I found my bible?? The one that I took to India and thought I had lost. I found it! It was under my bed. HAHA =]